My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
