We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
