You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
