the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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