I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
