I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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