were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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