Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
