dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
