every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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