I haven't been this sober since birth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
