Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
