You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
