Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
