Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Randomize