dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
