If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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