U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
