i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
