I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
