Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
her facebook's as public as her vagina
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
