Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
