70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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