you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
