you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
