I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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