mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
