Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You made out with two different species that night
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
