I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
