Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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