you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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