He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
