My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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