maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i think i just lost a toe
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
