mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize