mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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