i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize