Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
