a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
