you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
