That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
