I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
