It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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