grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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