She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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