haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
