I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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