sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
