i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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