Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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