Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
