New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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