We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
