Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize