What did we do last night that was yellow?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
