At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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