Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
