I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
