Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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